In the NBA, there is only one team that is crowned the world champion at the end of the NBA Finals in June of every year. All other teams, then, know what it is like to be the losers! 96% of NBA teams will not win every single year. This is normal and accepted. Further, the best regular season record in history was only at 89%; the Golden State Warriors finished the 2015-2016 season with 73 wins and 9 losses. One pillar principle is not to be overwhelmed with loss, but to know that challenging losses are to be expected.
Perhaps my favorite hobby has become sharing about my shortcomings, mistakes, errors, and weaknesses. Truly, those stories have the most entertaining value. When everything goes according to plan, there is not the twist and turn that the unexpected loss brings. Regularly, I affirm that I’ve made more mistakes than anybody I’ve ever met – mentally, verbally, and physically. And I have evidence to affirm this claim! Each time I give a speech, I record myself; it’s important that I learn from my strengths, weaknesses, and crowd response. So if there are any doubts by the sheer quantity of my flaws, I have plenty of proof.
Marriage. Challenges. Are. Normal. Let me write it again. Marriage. Challenges. Are. Normal. Just earlier today, I shared the following potential statistic:
– 68% of marriages are average, not good nor bad
– 14% of marriages are strong and steady
– 14% of marriages are struggling but not falling apart
– 2% of marriages are falling apart
– 2% of marriages are soaring and secure with hope
While my goal was to share that the principles I am passing along are to help people’s marriages improve, no doubt some were discouraged and deflated about the state of their marriage. “Oh no! I’m in the bottom 2%!” Or, “Oh man! I’m in the struggling 14%! This plane is going down!” Just because you are in one season now, does not mean that you will be in the same season later. Conditions and circumstances change us.
Challenges are not new or surprising. In fact, when people tell me the problems in their marriage, many times I respond with telling them that we’ve been through worse than that. Truth! Now, out of respect for one another, we share details in person with people to help illustrate that we’ve been in the bottom 2% – feeling like our marriage was falling apart. One question that my friend, Herve, used with us during our difficult season: “Do you realize how normal these challenges are in marriages?” When you realize a problem is normal, you gain confidence. People have navigated this area of their lives and have overcome, so I can learn from them. Even the strongest marriages have been through vulnerably low seasons of punching holes in homes, making their spouse go to sleep crying, or allowing bad habits to overwhelm their connection.
Believing that I am alone leads to fear. You may be afraid to get help from others because of the following: (1) they might judge me; (2) they might harshly correct me; (3) I will feel insufficient. There is great strength in getting the needed help in your marriage. Often, that which we want to talk about least is what will help us improve the most.
Here are a few questions to help you navigate this principle:
When you are having challenges in your marriage, do you recognize that other people have had the same challenges and can help you?
What keeps you from getting help during the challenging times of your marriage?
Knowing that your struggles are normal does not excuse a lack of execution to improve the relationship, what action can you take to improve you marriage this week?
Who do you know you can go to for support in your marriage?